Friday, July 24, 2009

Some guys are just really confusing....

You know they like you (and they know you like them) but they say they want to take a break...and you can date other people. Take a break? You haven't even dated! And date other people? They like you so why do they want you to date other people? You know it would crush them if you why are they suggesting you do? Can't they just say the truth? 'I just want to take things slow. I know it's not the usual guy appraoch, but I would like to be a gentleman. I want to date you, but not at the moment. do you think you would be willing to wiat with me?" And that way, if the girl really doesn't want to wait, she can just say no. And look, the guy knows what is going to happen. Instead of him crying himself to sleep if she does go off and find a different guy, he'll know ahead of time. And if she does, she really didn't like him that much in the first place.

It seems so black and why is there gray?

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Just Thoughts

This summer has been really interesting. I've been learning a lot about myself. But it's also been a constant struggle. And while I'd like to confide in people, I also don't know who to trust anymore. Just when I think I can trust someone, I hear news from someone else that they've been talking about me. I know I get talked about, it's just I never hear about it, so I never worry about it. But I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and in some ways I still do, but I'm learning that it's hard to know who to trust. People have mouths, and they like to use them. And when they run out of ways to make their own life seem interesting, they start to gossip. And if your life seems more interesting, more fun, or they are just plain jealous, then they start to try to find ways to bring you down. Some people are unaware that they do this. I'm sure at some point I've done it as well. This whole summer has been a lot of negative outlooks shoved at me. I'm sick of hearing screaming, of negative thoughts, of just feeling so unhappy all the time. I feel like I'm barely able to breath a lot. It's getting harder and harder, and I'm just struggling so much. And I've pushed God away a lot this summer, and I'm trying to get back. I know I need Him and I can't do this without Him. But sometimes I think I'll try anyway, and that's when I fall...hard. I think I've been falling for a while, and I'd like to stop...and get up again.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

So I haven't been on here in a LONG got busy I guess. So let's see...what do I need to update on? Well, life has taken a big turn...and for the good! God is so great...He got me a job for the summer at Whitewater doing Marketing, and it's been really fun. I have a lot to learn, and sometimes I feel as though I'm not doing anything right...but it's an experience. I also got an internship at Brookdale Senior Living doing Communications (PR, graphic design stuff, photography,etc.). It's right up my alley! It's not paid, but most internships aren't and I knew that when I started looking. I know someone who paid over $3,000 to have a company find him an UNPAID INTERNSHIP. CRAZY. Ha ha.

Hmm...what else is new? Well, I got a new car. It's pretty sweet, I'm really excited. There are a few things that need touch-up, but what do you expect when you get something used?

I still work at the computer lab on Sundays...not too bad. Not a lot of people come in, so I often get paid to watch movies. Not a bad job!

My boss at the Registrar's Office loves doing cards and putting them up on the web to show her designs. I think I'm going to start doing that with all the random things that I create. So...hopefully I do that this weekend. I'm going to start a new blog just for that and I'll link it to this one so you guys can check it out!

I already have a blog for random things, like links and cool stories that I find. You guys should check it out:

Okay, well, I think my break is over. Just wanted to update you all! I promise I'll put something soon...we got wireless at my house (we had dial up before so that's why I never posted) and so now I should be on more!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Sometimes, a memory pops up right when you need it and a smile rushes to your face. Although life brings you pain, you can always see something beautiful in the daily routine of life: how the sun shines across your face when a cute boy walks by, a warm day with just the right breeze. Just as you feel stress, the perfect song bares through the speakers of your iPod. Look for the simple moments of life; you can be happy or cranky, but know that it is your choice.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The end of the school year is drawing to a close, and my thoughts are a jumbled mess. I'm not sure if I want summer to come. There are so many people graduating this year, and while I'm excited for them, it makes me sad. Next year is going to be so different. I have never been good at changes, but these are going to be huge changes. It reminds me just how uncertain life is, how crazy this road is. I had so many ideas of how next year would go, and none of them are what I thought. My plans for the summer are so different from my original plans.

It's so crazy how things can change in such a short time. One day, you are taking one path and the next, you find yourself back-tracking, trying to figure out where things changed. Sometimes we never figure out why things went wrong, or why they changed courses. And while I'm excited for this new path my life is heading on, I'm also sad.

I've been trying not to think so much lately, but sometimes, it just comes back. All the sadness. And while I know I'll get through it just fine, hey, I didn't want to come to college! And I didn't want to go to high seems as though I've dreaded every transition I've made in life...but loved the result in the end. I wouldn't be who I am today without the changes I've made in my life.

And I've made some pretty big mistakes. I've let some people down. But I've never compromised who I am, and I'm proud of that fact. And while I lost some friendships, I think they needed to be cut lose. They were dragging me down, making me feel sorry and upset all the time. I ran into one of them today, and it made me look back on that time. All I did was complain about how horrible this person made me feel. Now that they are out of my life, I no longer feel so horrible, guilty, or stupid.

There are a few that I wish could be friends with me again. But they wanted me to change for them, and when I wouldn't do it, we had a falling out. I guess that's just the way these things go. I've forgiven them, and I hope one day they can forgive me.

Life can be pretty crazy, and it can change pretty quickly. But every change only makes us stronger, every struggle only shows us how blessed we really are. Don't forget who you are, don't change who you are to please another person. Life isn't about getting through, it's about creating yourself. Looks like I've got a lot of work ahead of me.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Best Friends Can Become Strangers

Have you ever thought you knew someone really well, only to be surprised several months later? Have you ever seen someone change before your eyes and you couldn’t even understand why? The personality change was sudden; the results drastic. Your normal way of acting suddenly changes as well because you are trying to adjust to their sudden change. Everything you do revolving around this person requires extra thought, time and work. You feel yourself getting confused and messed up, all by one person’s sudden change. You don’t understand why only this person can make you so messed up and you wish they could see the changes and the results themselves. And yet, they notice nothing. They are so lost in their own little world that you could blurt out the problem at the top of your lungs and they would probably never notice. So, you continue to suffer…wishing to solve this cycle on your own…but it seems impossible. After all, you don’t want to lose a valuable and treasured friendship.
I don’t regret
the friends I have made.
The choices they made
helped me see
Who I wanted to become
And who I didn’t want to be.

I don’t regret
proclaiming my beliefs
the people who didn’t like it
may one day see the truth
and the people who did
stayed my friends.

I don’t regret
the choices
I have made.
The right choices brought results
I have loved
And the wrong choices
Made me tougher.

I don’t regret
living in the present
Choosing to live
the days as they set
Instead of in the past
Will only make me
a happier person.

I don’t regret
Being friends
when I knew the friendship
couldn’t last.
Their friendship was great
while it lasted
And I am sure
They are happy
where they are.

I don’t regret
the anger
I once held
It helped me mend
the wounds
I had earned
over the years.

I don’t regret
the clubs
I didn’t join
the sports I couldn’t play,
the life I never lived.
I may have been sheltered,
But it helped me be me.

I don’t regret
this life I live
I love who I am
And what I do
And the people I touch.

Love is...

“Romantic love is one of those rare human endeavors that succeeds best when it requires the least effort. Those who pursue it the hardest are the most likely to fail.”

We all want to be loved. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t long for the touch of another, for someone to care about us so deeply that they would do anything to keep us happy. If you have already felt the love and grace of God, then you realize that we all already have it in our lives. But we also want the love of another individual, someone to whom we can one day marry.

So we search everywhere, looking for a love we cannot seem to grasp. We look and we find, but maybe that love isn’t the love we want. And so we continue on, breaking hearts and getting our own broken as well. Some never have the opportunity to get further than a broken heart from afar. They make the effect and get destroyed; sometimes the destroyer never even knows. After all, everybody plays the fool.

It’s easy to fall in love, but it’s hard when the other does not always feel the same way. There is no way to force a person to like you and sometimes the result is a ruined relationship. Sometimes we don’t even realize how we ruined it, it just happens. Just remember that while you may be crying now, next time around, someone will be crying over you.

It also helps to keep in perspective that you don’t fall into love, you grow into love. You must first start with a friendship that must be watered and nurtured. If you move too fast, you may break the relationship before it gets to where you want it to be. When you overwater a plant, it never grows, or it dies. The same is true with a relationship. The faster you water (or move) the faster it will slowly dwindle down to nothing.

“Genuine love is an expression of the deepest appreciation for another human being. It is an awareness of his or her needs, and character. It shares the longings, hopes, and dreams of that other person.”

You must first respect someone before you can love them. If you don’t have respect for someone that you are “dating” how can you expect to ever truly love them? The first place most relationships fail is when they don’t understand or respect each other. If you lose trust in your partner, you will have to work to gain back the trust and respect that relationship craves.

“If you hold love too loosely, then it files away; if you hold love too tightly, it’ll die. It’s one of the mysteries of life.”

Don’t cling to love once you find it, but let it grow. Watch it, but don’t choke it. Be careful with the ones you love because when you strangle them, they will never want to be around you again.

“We crave what we can’t attain, but we disrespect what we can’t escape.”

Be Yourself

Why can’t people be true to who they are? Why do we have to care so much about other people’s opinions?Isn’t it true than underneath all the designer clothes, pounds of makeup and facials, is the same lonely person as everyone else? A person who strives on the looks of others, who is insecure and hopes to be brilliant, who questions everything he or she does? Why do we hold up a perfect scale and try to hold ourselves up to it to see where we stand? I think we need to accept the negatives with the positives and just hope for the best. After all, when we die, the only thing that will matter is what we have done with our life, not who we have pleased. What have you done today?

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Consumption Obession

By nature, I am a true pack rat. I am not going to hide the fact that I own a lot of items. I love to shop, I love to find good deals. And I can never seem to part with anything. I always have some kind of excuse. "Oh, I'll use this for ____" or "I was going to wear that one day". And yet, despite the fact that I own a lot of stuff, I still find reasons to long and want more. I often wish I had purchased things that I saw in the store. "Oh, why didn't I get that?" I often think to myself.

This is definatly not the way to live my life. This past weekend, I have been working on a paper for one of my classes. I have to research the company's history and past advertising ideas and what they have been up to the past couple years. The company I chose from the list was American Girl. I used to love American Girl. I always wanted one, but I knew that my family couldn't afford one. So instead, I saved up all the magazine catalogs that I got in the mail, and whenever I got sad, I would stare at all the pictures and dream up stories about the characters. I read some of the books, and owned a few as well. We could afford the books.

Eventually, I gave up my dream of owning an American Girl. When I got older, my parents offered to buy me one. But by then, the excitment of owning one was long gone, and no one really cared anymore. And so my dream of owning one never came true.

But this past weekend, that
thought came back in my head. I suddenly longed to own one again. I even thought of buying one. Why? Why did I so desperatly want one? All I talked about was how I wished I had gotten one and why couldn't I get one? So stupid. It's just an object-just an item. I do not need to own everything in the world. Yes, it would be nice to have one. But do I need one? No.

Especially since money is very tight these days-to waste money on a doll is stupid. But it was just the thought-the thought of owning one. I was consumed with the thought of items. God doesn't want us to love money or items. Shouldn't we love people and not items?

I came across this in an old textbook and I love the thought behind it:
The relationship between people and their objects is a complex and multifaceted one, which is continually negotiated between the material and the immaterial. Objects are used as tokens of affection, symbolic gestures and statements of devotion and can be represented, employed and appropriated in a multitude of ways. They carry out important roles in our relationships with each other, either as bearers of significance, or through embodiment, engagement or control. The seductive quality of objects can also mediate our relationships with them, as they engage our emotions in both subliminal and visceral ways. In doing so they facilitate the projection and subversion of identities, and the creationof the contexts in which they operate.

It's true-I hold onto a lot of items for sentimantal reasons. I have a box of almost every letter that I have ever gotten, so whenever I get sad, angry or upset, I can go back and get happy again. I also keep a lot of gifts that I get, stuffed animals I received, and pictures of everything. I like to look back on happy memories, because I want to enjoy life-as it was, is, and is to come. I think when you appreciate what you have at the moment, you will learn to be okay when you don't always get what you want. I may not have gotten an American Doll, but I gained an impressive imagaination. I gained an appreciation for hanging from trees and enjoying the fresh air.

As I was thinking back, I realized that I had overlooked the past that I had purchased an American Girl computer game. It had all the characters and you made up stories and they would act what you wrote. It was perfect for a writer like me, and I loved the game a lot. That was better than any doll I could have ever received.
Sometimes you need to look for the postive in everything. Things may not always go your way, you may not always get what you want. But things happen for a reason. You may not know what that reason is today, tomorrow or even ever. However, if we learn to be happy no matter what, good things will come. We don't need objects to be happy. We just need each other.

"For the love of money is the root of all evil" 1 Timothy 6:10

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Monday, April 6, 2009

"Be still and know that I am God."
Psalm 46:10

As I look back on the past week, one would think that I would be curled up in the corner, crying my eyes out. But that's not the case. I actually feel good, I feel strong, and I feel loved. God took control this past week, and I finally released my hold on my life. I gave my life to God, and He knew what I needed all along.

Last year, I would have been writing poem after poem of heartbreak, and would have been really shelfish with demanding lots and lots of time to be sad and angry. But this year, I don't need that. God has all my tears, and He's holding onto them for me.

Now, I haven't been completly strong this whole week. There have certainly been times of sadness, and tears have definatly been shed. But I keep holding on to God, and my friends have been very supportive and always around when I need them.

Over the years, I have grown strong in my faith and I have failed in my faith. It was when I failed in my faith that I actually found God. It is when we fail that we often stop pretending to be someone who we are not. We stop trying to make excuses for everything that we do and we let the blame lay where it belongs. We let God take over, because we no longer have the strength to keep trying to do everything on our own. When God takes over, only then do we truly begin to start to living our life the correct way.

You see, we often try to live life our way. We have our rules, our ideas and our dreams. And we often shut God out of them. But God wants to be in on these plans. He wants to be happy with you when you get that glance from the guy you like. He wants to see you get excited to get an A on a test. He wants to be with you when you fall down the stairs and turn red. He wants to be with you when you lose your engagement ring and start crying. He wants to be with you when you break up. He wants to be with you when you get in a car accident.

He wants to be with us through the bad AND the good. We often let Him in during the bad. We cry out to Him, we want his help. But during those times of joy, when we feel extremly happy, we leave Him out. God wants to be our friend and we should treat Him as such. Don't you go screaming to your friends when something good happens? Don't you jump up down, because you are so excited to tell them? Why do we often not act this way with God?

In the past, this is how I acted. But now, now I'm learning to lean more on God. I know that He loves me, and I want to keep Him in all aspects of my life. It's not an easy task, but it is definatly worth it. Even though their is sadness and anger in my life at times, I still try to thank God for it. I know it's not fun, but it challenges me and keeps me strong.

You cannot grow without failure. If you never fail, then you have not tried hard enough. And that's just sad. Challenge yourself. Don't limit yourself in the things that you can do. This world is waiting for you!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Thoughts about Life

Life is about trusting our feelings,
and taking chances,
losing and finding happiness,
appreciating the memories
and learning from the past.
Life is so beautiful when you just take the time to enjoy it. Sometimes we get so busy just living life that we forget to enjoy it. I know that I am one of the busiest people I know. I run from one activity to the next, barely taking time to breathe. Although I have convienced myself that is the only way I can live, I often wonder what type of person I would be if I just slowed down...even for a moment. This week has been the break I just relax and think. And thinking has lead me to realize...
I can't change who I am or what I believe.
They are too rooted into who I am. But I can continue to just be myself and hope others can except me as I am.
You can be denied everything, but never the ability to be you.
My writing is not always perfect, not always well-written, not always written in perfect sense, but it's the rawest, truest form of me. And no one can take that away from me.
You can always become a better person.
It's definatly not easy, but it's not completly impossible either. It's difficult and takes a of work. But it's definatly worth it.
It's easier to be a bad person than a good person.
Ever notice how the hero in movies always wonders if they should take the money, do the dirty deed, etc. before they do the right thing? It's so much easier to just do whatever is bad, but it's so much more worth it to hold out and be good.
I tend to repeat myself.
I noticed that I often am saying the same thing, just in a slightly different way. Not sure why...but aren't we all copycats anyway? It's so hard to be truly orignal these days. Somewhere, in someplace, someone else seems to be thinking the same thing you are. I guess there are just too many people on earth...
It's hard to figure out your emotions.
I feel as though I often can not understand what I am feeling. I know that something may not be right, but I don't understand my reaction to it. I think this is one of the wierdest things ever. To know what you are thinking, but not at the same time. It doesn't even make sense, just like this post...
It's impossible to stop thinking sometimes.
I really wish my mind would give me a break sometimes. I don't know how those "airheads" do it, but sometimes I just want to have zero thoughts in my head. Is that such an impossible task? Apparently so. At any given moment, I'm usually thinking about something, even if I'm trying not to. It's crazy. And usually it's five or more thoughts at once...
It will all get better in time.
Patience. The answer to everything. But often...not the answer we want to hear. Time heals all wounds...patience can change all odds...and you will always be okay when you put your trust in the One who knows all. No matter how hard it gets, I will be fine. Life can try and push me down, but God will always pull me up.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

So frustrated

I hate when you have everything planned and things just do not go your way. I had all these ideas for today....and it was all thrown in my face. Especially since it was such a nice day out today, and a I barely even got to enjoy it. And now....I don't know. It's just so...frustrating. I guess the point of this is to rant...which is helpful only for me. But I guess that's how it goes.

No one is worth your tears, and if they're really worth it, they won't make you cry. Someone who's offending you is not worth your tears. And what's worse, by letting them offend you, you're setting yourself up to continue suffereing, by obessessing over and over about the insult, which is like rehashing the expereince over and over in your mind, which only makes you more and more upset. Releasing the image of the slander or insult will provide release. So why do I get upset? Maybe I have to realize that they have limiations like everyone else; and if they lack grace, compassion and wisdom, it's not my problem-it is really theirs.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." -Ephesians 4:32

I think I'm overly sensitive sometimes, and I think it's something that I need to work on. As a result, I care more about other people's emotions and often more than my own. But when the hurt builds up and becomes too much, I want to explode. I know it's not healthy, and definatly not cool.

Monday, March 16, 2009


Well, this weekend has been crazy. And odd. And a little upsetting. It definatly did not go as planned. First off, because of the whole eposide on Friday, I was a little off all weekend. I found out that the anti-freeze was probably leaking for a while, and that's super toxic. I was a little funky, and I fell asleep a lot. It was really wierd, and I'm just glad that I'm starting to feel back to normal.
I babysat on Saturday, and that went really well, but I fell asleep after the kids went to bed instead of doing my homework. That threw me off, as I had planned on getting it down. Then on Sunday, I slept right through church. And when I woke up, I was washed out. I called my parents and they told me send my car home to get fixed and do homework. But the guy said i had to ride along, so I ended up not getting any homework done until late at night.
Today was my midterm and I didn't do so hot. But I did get a call about an interview on Thursday, so that's good news. I'm not complaining, it's just that everything has not been exactly as I planned.
Tomorrow should be an interesting day...I'm just glad I'm alive!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Spring Break Curse

I don't know what it is, but very Spring Break since college started, something terrible has gone wrong. First, my car broke down two days before spring break, when I was a commuter. I was going to California, by myself, to visit my grandparents. I had to borrow my parents van for the last two days, and meanwhile, we put my car in the shop. While in California (which was cold and rainy, just what I had tried to get away from), my parents called and told me that it cost over $2000 to fix my car, which was definatly not worth it. So my parents deceided to crush my car while I was gone, and some of my stuff was still in there. Sad. Then they found me a car because the guy had crushed my car, and I purchased that. But it was still a freaky, scary spring break, wondering if I would have a car when I came back.

Last year, my boyfriend deceided to break up with me the day before Spring Break. I'm sure in his mind it was the perfect time because he wouldn't have to see me for a week. But he could have found other ways to avoid me instead of ruining my spring break. I cried a ton over spring break, and it was horrible. I think it was only my friends, and my music who saved me. Every night, I would call one of them and we talked. It was nice. I tried not to think of him over the trip, but it definatly could have been better.

This year, my car started leaking anti-freeze and spraying a gray smoke into my car, covering my windows, while I was driving the car. You can only imagine me, a freaked out driver as it is, trying to see. I thought my car was going to explode with me in it. The smell was kind of like smoke, and since I couldn't see, it made sense. Thankfully I realized I was near a gas station and I pulled over. I called everyone I could think of. Thankfully my friend Dale told me to get back to school and that he was coming up. Driving back to school was so hard. I couldn't see a thing, it was like driving in a snow storm. Except since I was the only person who couldn't see, I thought that I would get pulled over by the cops for swerving on the road. I finally found a side street, rolled down all my windows, and looked out the window to try and see my way back to school. Several times I almost served off the road. When I got back to the dorms, my friend Michelle's boyfriend checked my car to make sure it wasn't going to burn up.

I've also been dealing with a bunch of other situations, so this on top of that has already made the days before spring break not really the greatest. I can only pray that it can get better so that I have a better spring break than previous years.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Trusting it ALL to God

"Old habits die hard, but a life lived in pursuit of God's will can turn harmful habits into distant memories."

The mistakes we made in the past ARE the past and we can leave them there. God loves us NOW (and always), as we are. We need to come to God with all the worries of our past and leave them at His feet. God will take care of them while we can move on. Scared to trust all your drama to someone else? Shouldn't we trust that God knows what He's doing? It's out of our hands. Meanwhile, God will heal our scars, while keeping the memories out of our reach.

It's God's will-it's all up to Him. God, let me serve you and love you. Take it all away from me-I don't want it anymore. I don't understand it all, but I want to love you God. I want to understand your ways and your love.

"It's so much easier to hold a grudge than to forgive, to silently keep punishing the person for his or her wrongs."

Forgive others just as you have been forgiven. "Members of the human race are notorious for their ability to say or do things without thinking them through first." ME. I often make foolish mistakes and say stupid things. But I need to forgive others just as others willingly forgive me for the hurtful or stupid things I say.

And once I've forgiven someone, I need to stop dwelling on the past. I need to let it go and not think of it again. It's over. DONE. I need to give the person the benefit of the doubt that the situation will get better.

"The past troubles will be forgotten and hidden from my eyes." Isiah 65:16

Sunday, March 8, 2009

A little over emotional today...

I sit here, sitting in a swirl of emotions and confusion. I'm not sure what to think about life anymore or what is even on my mind. I can't seem to concentration on anything, and my homework is only frustrating me beyond belief.

Life is so full of unanswered questions, swirls of misunderstandings, and doubts about what is right and what is wrong. As I sit here entwined in all these feelings and doubts, I wonder once again who is right and who is wrong. I know what I believe, and I know why, but how do you make everyone else understand? I don't think anyone could ever understand my confusing, mixed up mind. Even I don't understand sometimes why I am the way I am.

I was watching home videos the other day, and I realized what a crazy child I was. I was odd then, and I guess it never changed. I loved dressing up in crazy outfits, dancing and singing when I was beyond awful, and telling stories to make friends. I guess some things haven't changed....

I feel like I'm losing myself in a midst of confusion and I'm fighting my way out of it...ain't it funny how we can pretend it's all okay, look great on the outside, and really just be as confused and messed up as everyone around us?

As we scream and cry out for attention, each us to consumed in our own worlds to really care about others, we turn to other ways. I realized today that a lot of people know they are doing things wrong or that aren't good for them, but if you shove it in their face, they only get mad and try to rebel. They tear down our signs, turn off the TV, or scream back. How can we confort the hurting without sounding like we hate you for who you are?

In a world where we tell each other that no one should tell you how to live your life, should we be? Is it better to watch you fall over and over again, or is it better to help you get up and help you fix your wounds? What is the line and have we already crossed it?

That wasn't even what was really on my mind...but what was on my mind is really just a jumble of questions that will never have an answer....

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

When inspiration comes, we must grab it while we have the chance.

A long time ago, I came across this post on a site:

You don’t need to judge me
I do enough of that myself.
Thanks for the criticism
I will get to it when
I have dealt with my own.
You don’t need to blame me
I have that covered as well.
What I want from you
is unconditional love
as I am unable to
do that for myself!

At the time, I just really liked it. I was going through a bad time, and I felt as though all people were doing was judging me and my reaction to the situation at the time. It struck me how we often blame the victim, or whoever it is that we know verus the other person, who we don't know.

Why is that we often hold back how we are really feeling? Is it because we are scared of what others will say? Are we scared to show just how much we are hurting? This world can be a crule and unforgiving place. We often make jokes about survival of the fittest, but sadly, isn't that what is most often true?

"Letting go of all I've held onto....
standing here until you make me move."

What if we could live our life without holding back? If we could just fall apart with no fear of the thoughts of others? Put everything that makes us US out there for everyone to see, to see us as we truly are. If we could strip ourselves of our insecruities, hatred, hurts, and anger for the one thing we all crave....

I want to love the world, but I don't have the power to do that. It can be emotionally draining to take on the hurts, pains and insecruities of others. And that is why I turn to God when I'm stressed out or needing to just releash it all. God has the power to handle it all, the love to keep us renewed, and the grace to forgive.

"His love is eternal." Psalm 136

Friday, January 30, 2009

Troubling Thoughts

It makes me quite upset that I only seem to hear about more bad things than good. Just when you think everything is going to get a little better, there always has to be some bad to come and ruin it all. I got an even bigger insight to the world today, and I disliked it greatly.

I've been noticing more and more recently that the place in which I work seems to look at the small mistakes and upset with them, while overlooking the huge, problematic areas. As a result, I feel others are suffering and evil ones are gaining. And it sickens me.

To explain this point without talking about my current situation, can I use the police force as an analogy? The police force has always made me mad. I know that they have to do their job, but I often feel as though they let power go to their head. And it often scares me that police officers have power, strength, and weapons. They could kill me for any reason, and then try and come up with a good reason why it happened. To say I am scared of the police is an understatement. They are supposed to bring us peace, but they only freak me out. I could never marry a police officer. It wouldn't go over well, I would just be freaked out by him.

Anyway, so I already know that I am afraid and frightened of police. But then add in the fact that I have seen and heard many corrupt stories about the police. And faced some of these situations myself. So why do I think the police are corrupt? They spend their time searching for thieves, which I would understand if that wasn't the only thing they go after. However, they spend a lot more time looking for thieves who steal food than looking for murders. What is more important? Items or human lives?

And how about drunk drivers? How many more people can you kill if you get drunk and drive? The chances are a lot better than a poor thief who steals some food so he doesn't go hungry. I am not condoning stealing, merely pointing out that although stealing is bad, I sometimes think that other things are worse. They are still all sins, but I think some are higher than others. And I think that letting the big, evil sins go and only punishing the little sins, that we are only proving how corrupt and mislead this country really is.

To drive home my point, I'm going to leave you with one final thought. I'm going to give you three different examples of true stories that I have heard about.

Say for example that you are a student and you decide to go out and drink a lot of beer, and you are not 21. Then you get in your car, completely trashed, and drive 30 miles to your friend's house. Not only is that a long distance and the roads are terrible, but you can't see at all. You smash into a car, but don't kill anyone. The police come and one of them thinks you are really cute. You flirt with him and convince him that since you didn't kill anyone, he should let you off with a major fine. You feel very lucky, and completely do not learn anything from the experience. The next week, you once again go out drinking. This time you aren't caught and the behavior continues until one day you swerve off the road and kill a pregnant mother. When asked later by a reporter what could have saved you from this mistake, you hang your head and say that if the police had arrested you for the DUI instead of giving you a "pat on the wrist" you would have never driven again.

Say for example you are a homeless person. You don't have a lot of money due to bad investments and a boyfriend who stole all your money while you were at work and took off for Hollywood. You know you don't have enough food for the next week, and you have tried to beg for food. Most people assume you are a druggie, and don't give you the time of day. You have never used drugs in your life, you have never slept with someone for money, but you are starting to get desperate. You won't take drugs, and that wouldn't help your problem anyway. You secretly wonder about stealing the apple from the outside vendor. You know its not right, but you are so hungry and you don't know what else to do. The job market is terrible, and there are no jobs anyway. You quickly steal the apple and then run away. However, you are caught by the cops, arrested, and put in jail. In jail, you meet a guy who stole a TV in 1980 and has still not gotten out. He says that a guy who killed someone got released five years ago, but he has yet to be released. You are shocked, and scared. You only stole an apple. How long will you be in jail?

Say for example you are a homeowner. You go on vacation and while you are gone, someone breaks into your home. Well, attempts to, that is. They unsuccessfully fall down your back steps because of the ice, break their neck and then sue you. You come home to learn you are being sued because the thief claims that if you had cleared off your steps, he would have been able to break in and steal things, and not have broken his neck. You think it's crazy and fight the case in court instead of paying out of court for all his hospital bills. However, you ended up losing in court to the would-be thief.

All of these stories are true. I realize they don't completely go together, but it just shows that each situation is different, but we always tend to side with ourselves. Not always, but sometimes I think we do. In this new culture, it's all about us. How can we help ourselves. We don't think about the consequences or how they will affect others. Purely ourselves. And I'm not saying I don't do it. This is mostly seen in our government. And I'm saying that I've seen a bad dose of it this past week and I don't know what to do about it anymore. And that is why this rambling blog was created.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Worry less, Think more

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?" -Matthew 6:25

I no longer want to live a life consumed with worry. Worrying about even the simple things can start to destroy the simple happiness of just living each day to its fullest. Instead of worrying about what will happen in the future, and what others will think of me, I just want to enjoy the moment, and to stop planning ahead. What other people think of me is NONE of my business. They can think whatever they want of me, whether it's good or bad. Although I'm curious, if I spend precious moments worrying, I'll let happiness slip right by me.

When you think back on your life, do you think about all the times you worried, or do you think about all the happy times, the times when you were just yourself? I think that's why when I'm truly myself and I'm fully relaxed, I can sometimes sound like an idoit. But then I'm no longer thinking about how my words will sound. I'm much more at ease. I love when I can just do that. However, lately its been a problem. And so I'm going to have to watch just how much I "relax". Sad.

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." -Psalm 19:14