Monday, March 23, 2009

Thoughts about Life

Life is about trusting our feelings,
and taking chances,
losing and finding happiness,
appreciating the memories
and learning from the past.
Life is so beautiful when you just take the time to enjoy it. Sometimes we get so busy just living life that we forget to enjoy it. I know that I am one of the busiest people I know. I run from one activity to the next, barely taking time to breathe. Although I have convienced myself that is the only way I can live, I often wonder what type of person I would be if I just slowed down...even for a moment. This week has been the break I just relax and think. And thinking has lead me to realize...
I can't change who I am or what I believe.
They are too rooted into who I am. But I can continue to just be myself and hope others can except me as I am.
You can be denied everything, but never the ability to be you.
My writing is not always perfect, not always well-written, not always written in perfect sense, but it's the rawest, truest form of me. And no one can take that away from me.
You can always become a better person.
It's definatly not easy, but it's not completly impossible either. It's difficult and takes a of work. But it's definatly worth it.
It's easier to be a bad person than a good person.
Ever notice how the hero in movies always wonders if they should take the money, do the dirty deed, etc. before they do the right thing? It's so much easier to just do whatever is bad, but it's so much more worth it to hold out and be good.
I tend to repeat myself.
I noticed that I often am saying the same thing, just in a slightly different way. Not sure why...but aren't we all copycats anyway? It's so hard to be truly orignal these days. Somewhere, in someplace, someone else seems to be thinking the same thing you are. I guess there are just too many people on earth...
It's hard to figure out your emotions.
I feel as though I often can not understand what I am feeling. I know that something may not be right, but I don't understand my reaction to it. I think this is one of the wierdest things ever. To know what you are thinking, but not at the same time. It doesn't even make sense, just like this post...
It's impossible to stop thinking sometimes.
I really wish my mind would give me a break sometimes. I don't know how those "airheads" do it, but sometimes I just want to have zero thoughts in my head. Is that such an impossible task? Apparently so. At any given moment, I'm usually thinking about something, even if I'm trying not to. It's crazy. And usually it's five or more thoughts at once...
It will all get better in time.
Patience. The answer to everything. But often...not the answer we want to hear. Time heals all wounds...patience can change all odds...and you will always be okay when you put your trust in the One who knows all. No matter how hard it gets, I will be fine. Life can try and push me down, but God will always pull me up.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

So frustrated

I hate when you have everything planned and things just do not go your way. I had all these ideas for today....and it was all thrown in my face. Especially since it was such a nice day out today, and a I barely even got to enjoy it. And now....I don't know. It's just so...frustrating. I guess the point of this is to rant...which is helpful only for me. But I guess that's how it goes.

No one is worth your tears, and if they're really worth it, they won't make you cry. Someone who's offending you is not worth your tears. And what's worse, by letting them offend you, you're setting yourself up to continue suffereing, by obessessing over and over about the insult, which is like rehashing the expereince over and over in your mind, which only makes you more and more upset. Releasing the image of the slander or insult will provide release. So why do I get upset? Maybe I have to realize that they have limiations like everyone else; and if they lack grace, compassion and wisdom, it's not my problem-it is really theirs.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." -Ephesians 4:32

I think I'm overly sensitive sometimes, and I think it's something that I need to work on. As a result, I care more about other people's emotions and often more than my own. But when the hurt builds up and becomes too much, I want to explode. I know it's not healthy, and definatly not cool.

Monday, March 16, 2009


Well, this weekend has been crazy. And odd. And a little upsetting. It definatly did not go as planned. First off, because of the whole eposide on Friday, I was a little off all weekend. I found out that the anti-freeze was probably leaking for a while, and that's super toxic. I was a little funky, and I fell asleep a lot. It was really wierd, and I'm just glad that I'm starting to feel back to normal.
I babysat on Saturday, and that went really well, but I fell asleep after the kids went to bed instead of doing my homework. That threw me off, as I had planned on getting it down. Then on Sunday, I slept right through church. And when I woke up, I was washed out. I called my parents and they told me send my car home to get fixed and do homework. But the guy said i had to ride along, so I ended up not getting any homework done until late at night.
Today was my midterm and I didn't do so hot. But I did get a call about an interview on Thursday, so that's good news. I'm not complaining, it's just that everything has not been exactly as I planned.
Tomorrow should be an interesting day...I'm just glad I'm alive!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Spring Break Curse

I don't know what it is, but very Spring Break since college started, something terrible has gone wrong. First, my car broke down two days before spring break, when I was a commuter. I was going to California, by myself, to visit my grandparents. I had to borrow my parents van for the last two days, and meanwhile, we put my car in the shop. While in California (which was cold and rainy, just what I had tried to get away from), my parents called and told me that it cost over $2000 to fix my car, which was definatly not worth it. So my parents deceided to crush my car while I was gone, and some of my stuff was still in there. Sad. Then they found me a car because the guy had crushed my car, and I purchased that. But it was still a freaky, scary spring break, wondering if I would have a car when I came back.

Last year, my boyfriend deceided to break up with me the day before Spring Break. I'm sure in his mind it was the perfect time because he wouldn't have to see me for a week. But he could have found other ways to avoid me instead of ruining my spring break. I cried a ton over spring break, and it was horrible. I think it was only my friends, and my music who saved me. Every night, I would call one of them and we talked. It was nice. I tried not to think of him over the trip, but it definatly could have been better.

This year, my car started leaking anti-freeze and spraying a gray smoke into my car, covering my windows, while I was driving the car. You can only imagine me, a freaked out driver as it is, trying to see. I thought my car was going to explode with me in it. The smell was kind of like smoke, and since I couldn't see, it made sense. Thankfully I realized I was near a gas station and I pulled over. I called everyone I could think of. Thankfully my friend Dale told me to get back to school and that he was coming up. Driving back to school was so hard. I couldn't see a thing, it was like driving in a snow storm. Except since I was the only person who couldn't see, I thought that I would get pulled over by the cops for swerving on the road. I finally found a side street, rolled down all my windows, and looked out the window to try and see my way back to school. Several times I almost served off the road. When I got back to the dorms, my friend Michelle's boyfriend checked my car to make sure it wasn't going to burn up.

I've also been dealing with a bunch of other situations, so this on top of that has already made the days before spring break not really the greatest. I can only pray that it can get better so that I have a better spring break than previous years.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Trusting it ALL to God

"Old habits die hard, but a life lived in pursuit of God's will can turn harmful habits into distant memories."

The mistakes we made in the past ARE the past and we can leave them there. God loves us NOW (and always), as we are. We need to come to God with all the worries of our past and leave them at His feet. God will take care of them while we can move on. Scared to trust all your drama to someone else? Shouldn't we trust that God knows what He's doing? It's out of our hands. Meanwhile, God will heal our scars, while keeping the memories out of our reach.

It's God's will-it's all up to Him. God, let me serve you and love you. Take it all away from me-I don't want it anymore. I don't understand it all, but I want to love you God. I want to understand your ways and your love.

"It's so much easier to hold a grudge than to forgive, to silently keep punishing the person for his or her wrongs."

Forgive others just as you have been forgiven. "Members of the human race are notorious for their ability to say or do things without thinking them through first." ME. I often make foolish mistakes and say stupid things. But I need to forgive others just as others willingly forgive me for the hurtful or stupid things I say.

And once I've forgiven someone, I need to stop dwelling on the past. I need to let it go and not think of it again. It's over. DONE. I need to give the person the benefit of the doubt that the situation will get better.

"The past troubles will be forgotten and hidden from my eyes." Isiah 65:16

Sunday, March 8, 2009

A little over emotional today...

I sit here, sitting in a swirl of emotions and confusion. I'm not sure what to think about life anymore or what is even on my mind. I can't seem to concentration on anything, and my homework is only frustrating me beyond belief.

Life is so full of unanswered questions, swirls of misunderstandings, and doubts about what is right and what is wrong. As I sit here entwined in all these feelings and doubts, I wonder once again who is right and who is wrong. I know what I believe, and I know why, but how do you make everyone else understand? I don't think anyone could ever understand my confusing, mixed up mind. Even I don't understand sometimes why I am the way I am.

I was watching home videos the other day, and I realized what a crazy child I was. I was odd then, and I guess it never changed. I loved dressing up in crazy outfits, dancing and singing when I was beyond awful, and telling stories to make friends. I guess some things haven't changed....

I feel like I'm losing myself in a midst of confusion and I'm fighting my way out of it...ain't it funny how we can pretend it's all okay, look great on the outside, and really just be as confused and messed up as everyone around us?

As we scream and cry out for attention, each us to consumed in our own worlds to really care about others, we turn to other ways. I realized today that a lot of people know they are doing things wrong or that aren't good for them, but if you shove it in their face, they only get mad and try to rebel. They tear down our signs, turn off the TV, or scream back. How can we confort the hurting without sounding like we hate you for who you are?

In a world where we tell each other that no one should tell you how to live your life, should we be? Is it better to watch you fall over and over again, or is it better to help you get up and help you fix your wounds? What is the line and have we already crossed it?

That wasn't even what was really on my mind...but what was on my mind is really just a jumble of questions that will never have an answer....