Thoughts at 1 A.M.

Note published on my facebook.

So.

It's currently 1:07 am.

For the early birds (and I know who you are), I'm sure you are shaking your head and sighing.

Sorry, but I don't live by the "normal" rules.

2 am sounds like a great bedtime for me. Besides, I don't have class until 11am.

Trust me, my parents know my schedule: stay up late (but not too late) and sleep in as late as possible without wasting the whole day.

Okay, seriously. Stop shaking your head.

Anyway, I should be studying for a test I have tomorrow. But I don't have the test until night class. (my first night class in all 4 years...it's wierd. I don't hate it...but I don't like it....)

So my procastation has definatly sunk in. How do you stop procastating when you rock at it? That's what I'd like to know.

I have been "studying" for a while now.

My studying works like this:
Open textbook.
Sigh over the fact I've only "skimmed" it. (who really reads textbooks?)
Type answers into word document. (helps me studying...I remember slightly typing the word) Realize that I have no idea what my teacher is talking about the study guide and erase what I just wrote.
Go on some website (or facebook) as a "break" because I'm annoyed at having written the wrong thing.
Repeat.
Ha ha. Okay, so it's not that bad. But it's pretty close.

Anyway, I should go back to studying.

But I noticed I hadn't written a "real" note in a long time....I'm not really sure if people read these anyway unless they are tagged in them...and then, it's usually those addicted to facebook.

Opps. Did I point you out?

If you feel hurt by the previous comment, don't worry. I'm slightly addicted too. I say slightly because I currently have 56 messages (unread) in my inbox.

Oh yeah. You read that correctly.

Most of them are from groups....groups I've been invited to, but I've never gotten around to rejecting. Like "Join this group if you hate eggs". Um...okay?

Anyway, I never click on them because I'm wierd and lazy.

Oh, and I usually check my facebook on my ipod touch and it's too much work to click on the dumb ones. One of these days I'll get around to it. I say "One of these days" a lot.

It's bad. Real bad.

Wow, I just lost my train of thought.

Hmm...where was I? Oh yeah, so I don't go on a lot. I try to comment back right away, but sometimes I look at a comment, get sidetracked (ooo, something shiny!) and completly forget. OOOO and let's talk about facebook pictures.

This is where I fail.

I take MILLIONS (and I'm being completly serious here) of pictures, but uploading them to facebook takes:

1.) A lot of time (for some reason, facebook HATES me and won't upload them fastly or smoothly. What a pain)

2.) Effort.

3.) Reminders. (ha ha, remind me you want them up...or just be annoying...and they will show up a lot faster)

Anyway, I'm sorry about that. I try not to be addicted to facebook. It's kind of bad, right? To be addicted to it?

Well, anyway, that's my ramble...I'm not really sure what I've all taked about now.

It's now 1:21 and I've wasted too much time writing on here.

So I think I"m going to...oh wait. I remember something else.

I found a poem I wrote a long time ago...some people have seen it before. It might be a post on here already...who knows. But I'm going to add it on here:

I'm not stupid; I just lack common sense
I'm not a poser; I'm just crazy
I'm not miss popularity; I just have a lot of friends
I'm not insecure; I just don't trust people I'm just me.

And under it was written:

When we push away the things that once made us happy,
to find new things that make us extremly happy,
do you call it change or growing up?
Have I grown up or just become a different person?
How do I even find out?

This past weekend, and past week, I was reminded of just how fragile both time and life is. As I was confronted with the deaths of friends, and the fact that my own family may be in for it's own scare, I realized that we need to embrace time as much as we can.

Revelation 21:4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Do we live our life as if tomorrow will be the end? Are you ready if tomorrow is the end?

I know that if I was to stand in front of the gates of heaven, I know that I would be saved because Jesus came for me. He washed my sins away because He loves me. Only because He loves me. I did NOTHING to deserve his love. He has always, and always will, love me. And He won't leave me either.

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Humans can. Not always on purpose, but there is always going to be disappoint in our lives.

We are either in the middle of a trial, just got out of one or are getting ready to go through one.

I think I just got out of one, and I'm getting ready for the next one.

I graduate this May.

Talk about crazy.

I often wonder if I've done everything I can to impact the campus of UW-Whitewater.

Have I been too busy to help those I needed to? Did I hurry past someone who needed me?

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I can not regret my life or what I have done.

As I once wrote two years ago:

I don’t regret
the friends I have made.
The choices they made helped me see
Who I wanted to become
And who I didn’t want to be.

I don’t regret
proclaiming my beliefs
the people who didn’t like it
may one day see the truth
and the people who did
stayed my friends.

I don’t regret
the choices I have made.
The right choices brought
results I have loved
And the wrong choices
Made me tougher.

I don’t regret
living in the present
Choosing to live
the days as they set
Instead of in the past
Will only make me
a happier person.

I don’t regret
Being friends when
I knew the friendship
couldn’t last.
Their friendship was
great while it lasted
And I am sure
They are happy
where they are.

I don’t regret
the anger I
once held
It helped me
mend the wounds
I had earned
over the years.

I don’t regret
the clubsI didn’t join
the sports I couldn’t join,
the life I never lived.
I may have been sheltered,
But it helped me be me.

I don’t regret
this life I live
I love who I am
And what I do
And the people I touch.

I have to be confident that I've made my impact on Whitewater in whatever way I can, and that the next step I take will be the one God wants me to take.

I'm not sure where I am going, although I hope it has something to do with Americore. I know that God has his hand on my life, and even though I may not always be confident in God, I know I should be.

Psalm 46 "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."

Although this weekend has been a range of emotion, I know that I am ready for whatever may come, and I will continue to pray for my family, friends, and the world. This year, 2010, is going to be a year of change!

John 14:1-3 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

Okay, time to finish studying and go back to bed.

It's currently 1:36am.

But I definatly needed this, so who cares what time it is.

Never-ending Cycle of Homework and Tests

Homework. Yuck, how I dread those words. It's not really the homework (sometimes doing projects and stuff is fun) but knowing what your teacher wants. Each teacher is different (and some are just insane...wait, did I say that outloud?) and knowing how they grade is key to getting a good grade. But in college, professors often don't have many assignments. They rely on tests instead. I personally hate tests. If you could see me right now, I'm making a disgrusted face. That's because I usually don't do my best on tests. If you asked me any of the test questions in person, I'd most likely ace them. (I say most likely because I'm not a genius and I'll probably get something wrong). But write them down, shove me in a desk, give me a clock to stare at, a warm room to sweat in, and expect me to ace a test? Hmm...I don't think so. More like you've just given me the best reason to FAIL.
Why do teachers even give out tests anyway? Let's see what you've learned in the past 24 hours when you were shoving the knowledge into your head. Do you remember what you learned four years ago about...say, Ethnic politics? I loved that class. The teacher was amazing. But I honestly only remember tiny, tiny bits and pieces. So why did I spend a semester learning about it, if only to forget by the next semester? Because I needed the grade! (and the credit). How sad that we force our society to learn millions and millions of things in school, but test them in such a way they will only forget it in less than 3 months? Sad.
I propose we do more hands-on. It helps most people learn. So does visually learning as well. Not very many people learn by hearing someone speak, and what do most professors do? LECTURE. Well, why not just give everyone an F before they come into the room!
Oh well. I highly doubt this is going to change. Sorry for my little rant. I'm just so annoyed with the way our system of schooling works. If I could change the world, I think I'd start in the school systems. A lot of revamping is needed there. (Don't worry, I'm not forgetting world hunger, world peace, etc. I'm expecting other people to be working on those things. You know, when people ask the question, "If you could change the world, what would you do?" most people will answer that, so if everyone was able to change the world, then the other stuff would already be taken, so I could change the school systems)

People say that you should write what you know. I used to write books with characters that resembled my friends. They could tell-and some weren't very happy with it. Others would make comments-

"Do you really think I act like that?" (I'm afraid so...I didn't even add anything to be funny, that is how you are)

"Why can't I be described as someone with a perfect body?" (um, because you don't have one? The only person who has that is Barbie and sorry, but she's not real)

"How come she gets a boyfriend?" (um, cause she really has a boyfriend in real life and you've never had one, so I don't even know how you'd act with one...).

That's when I decided that maybe I should make the characters so far from real life that they couldn't be passed off as my friends. But I had been writing my friends as characters for so long, that they still ended up being in the stories, they just had extra qualities, different types of humor, or different colored hair. But in essense, it was still basically them.

You know what I think? We can try to change who we are-we can color our hair, pick up new hobbies, tell jokes we don't think our funny-but the still us will always be there. Just because you try to change who you are to impress someone doesn't mean you've "lost" who you are-it just means you've hidden it while you tried on a different "you". But you should know that the original you is great and you should keep it in your life. Why trade in who you were created to be? Why change who God wants you to be?

And you want to know what else is funny? I was going to change my blog style-try to write in a different way, but why should I do that? Just because no one comments on my blogs does not mean that it isn't helping someone in someway. It's helping me just to write out my thoughts, although I also have journals for that. But when I do decide to write, it's always inspiring to me and helpful. So that's why I'm not changing my style.

Fresh Start

So I haven't been on this blog in a long time. Oh well.

It's really late at night, and I should probably be in bed. The key word "should". Since when do I do what I should? I like people I shouldn't, I obssess about the stupidest things, and I continue to hold onto my "morals" when even I start to question them. Oh, don't get me wrong. I will never compromise what is most important to me. But sometimes I question if I'm too picky when it comes to guys. Do I have to have a guy who has the same belief as me, or can it differ just a little bit? But now I know that I will not compromise who I am or what I believe just because sometimes it can get lonely. I want to marry a strong Christian man, and that's final.

And that's why I'm finally happy single. I have plans for next year, and a guy will just get in the way. Besides, most of the guys around here are only looking for a good time, and it's time I started planning for the future. Being happy with who you are is so important. If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? Once you are happy with who you are, and realize you don't need a man to be happy, you will finally find true love. Because it comes why you aren't looking. I know that from experience.

Sure, this post may seem "lame" to some. But I'm not trying to please anyone-not even myself. It's late at night, and I'm just getting some thoughts out before I go to bed. If you think this is dumb, you didn't have to read it. You choose to. Remember, you make the choices in your life. No one can make them for you. And if they are, realize that something is wrong, and get out. It might be the first right choice you'll make.

Some guys are just really confusing....

You know they like you (and they know you like them) but they say they want to take a break...and you can date other people. Take a break? You haven't even dated! And date other people? They like you so why do they want you to date other people? You know it would crush them if you did...so why are they suggesting you do? Can't they just say the truth? 'I just want to take things slow. I know it's not the usual guy appraoch, but I would like to be a gentleman. I want to date you, but not at the moment. do you think you would be willing to wiat with me?" And that way, if the girl really doesn't want to wait, she can just say no. And look, the guy knows what is going to happen. Instead of him crying himself to sleep if she does go off and find a different guy, he'll know ahead of time. And if she does, she really didn't like him that much in the first place.

It seems so black and white...so why is there gray?

Just Thoughts

This summer has been really interesting. I've been learning a lot about myself. But it's also been a constant struggle. And while I'd like to confide in people, I also don't know who to trust anymore. Just when I think I can trust someone, I hear news from someone else that they've been talking about me. I know I get talked about, it's just I never hear about it, so I never worry about it. But I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and in some ways I still do, but I'm learning that it's hard to know who to trust. People have mouths, and they like to use them. And when they run out of ways to make their own life seem interesting, they start to gossip. And if your life seems more interesting, more fun, or they are just plain jealous, then they start to try to find ways to bring you down. Some people are unaware that they do this. I'm sure at some point I've done it as well. This whole summer has been a lot of negative outlooks shoved at me. I'm sick of hearing screaming, of negative thoughts, of just feeling so unhappy all the time. I feel like I'm barely able to breath a lot. It's getting harder and harder, and I'm just struggling so much. And I've pushed God away a lot this summer, and I'm trying to get back. I know I need Him and I can't do this without Him. But sometimes I think I'll try anyway, and that's when I fall...hard. I think I've been falling for a while, and I'd like to stop...and get up again.

So I haven't been on here in a LONG time...life got busy I guess. So let's see...what do I need to update on? Well, life has taken a big turn...and for the good! God is so great...He got me a job for the summer at Whitewater doing Marketing, and it's been really fun. I have a lot to learn, and sometimes I feel as though I'm not doing anything right...but it's an experience. I also got an internship at Brookdale Senior Living doing Communications (PR, graphic design stuff, photography,etc.). It's right up my alley! It's not paid, but most internships aren't and I knew that when I started looking. I know someone who paid over $3,000 to have a company find him an UNPAID INTERNSHIP. CRAZY. Ha ha.

Hmm...what else is new? Well, I got a new car. It's pretty sweet, I'm really excited. There are a few things that need touch-up, but what do you expect when you get something used?

I still work at the computer lab on Sundays...not too bad. Not a lot of people come in, so I often get paid to watch movies. Not a bad job!

My boss at the Registrar's Office loves doing cards and putting them up on the web to show her designs. I think I'm going to start doing that with all the random things that I create. So...hopefully I do that this weekend. I'm going to start a new blog just for that and I'll link it to this one so you guys can check it out!

I already have a blog for random things, like links and cool stories that I find. You guys should check it out: kristineisrandom.blogspot.com

Okay, well, I think my break is over. Just wanted to update you all! I promise I'll put something soon...we got wireless at my house (we had dial up before so that's why I never posted) and so now I should be on more!