Hello!

Hi everyone!

If you haven't noticed, I disappeared. I actually started a new blog, for my year in Florida, called Adventures in Florida with AmeriCorps. It's located at: http://k-adventuresinflorida.blogspot.com/. So check it out!

Thanks!

Manic Monday

My Life in Pictures: Day 1

Psycho: Hula Bunny Version

Hula Bunny takes personal checks, cash, and credit cards for his "hula hooping show". But don't be fooled by Hula Bunny, he's not just a crazy drunk bunny man. After midnight, when he comes to visit, he'll be looking for more than carrots. So start running now, because if you see Hula Bunny knocking on your front door, you know it's the end!

The above picture was taken last year on the way to a convention in Milwaukee. The picture is a little fuzzy because I took in a truck going 55 miles an hour (he was speeding, should have been going 25 miles an hour) Some random guy (we think he was drunk) was hula hooping wearing a bunny costume. It was pretty hilourous. Talk about a crazy city! Random things are always happening. If you saw the earlier post, there was (now confirmed) THREE sinkholes. Two houses, and one car fell in sinkholes. And about two and a half years ago, there was so much flooding everywhere that an entire street was washed out by my house. People were basically swimming to school! It was pretty bad.

Recently, we had American Idol auditons. I hear some of my friends tried out for fun. I have yet to hear if they made it or not...but I think it would be pretty sweet if they did!

Today has been one of those "Manic Monday"s. I'm not sure if you have heard of the song. It was by the Bangles. There are many interruptions of the song, but I like the part "These are the days when you wish your bed was already made"

I was up really late last night trying to get some last minute things done, and of course, when you stay up late, it seems like you are just went to sleep when you wake up. When my alarm started annoylying beeping at 6 am, I wanted to chuck it against the brick wall. I almost did too-and then my dogs started barking.

And once I finally got to work, some lady called to ask about a problem. I calmly tried to help her, and she started screaming at me. After a ten minute lecture on things I have absolutly no control over, she hung up. Gee, thanks a lot.

Things just got worse after that.

The new girl had fifty million questions to ask; she's really not "new" anymore. But she seems to think that she is....and continues to act like it, giggling all the time and going "opps, I forgot about" ha ha and then laughing like a hienna.

It wouldn't be that big of a problem, if we had more employees right now. But since we don't, having her borrow me for "questions" every two seconds is not very productive. And then IMing me "I'm bored" isn't a good idea either!

And I think that the stress of that really rude lady (it's annoying to be yelled at by someone you don't know...but it's easier to yell at someone you can't see because then you don't feel bad, so I think that's why she kept on going) and the "new" employee made me start to forget my job! Or maybe it was just "one of those days" but I definatly took longer to show the instructor how to do something I should have been able to do in ten minutes.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

"If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping" Yogi Berri [I really wish I were!]

There were huge storms here yesterday! It was pretty intense! They were rattling the windows and my poor dog was freaking out! I felt so bad for him. I tried to hold him, but nothing seemed to work!

Then I came to work today, and found out that there was a huge sinkhole yesterday and an SUV fell through the hole!

http://jalopnik.com/5594291/milwaukee-sinkhole-swallows-suv-traffic-light

And then...

a house falls in a sinkhole! I can't imagine if I was standing in my kitchen and all of a sudden I looked down and saw that I was in a hole in the ground!

http://www.620wtmj.com/news/local/99103519.html

I feel so lucky that nothing happened to our house or our dogs, since the storm ripped through everything around us!

Heads up:

I'm probably going to be revamping this whole thing in the next couple days, or getting rid of it because of all the spam/negative comments I've been getting. I really don't care about other people's opinions and this blog was only created as a spot to record thoughts, but I'd still like to start fresh.

So, if you do actually read my blog, and actually like it (despite really random posts, long absences of posts), you should post below so that I know you are interested. Let me know if I should start a new blog, or if you think I should start over!

My idea for starting over? I want to create a blog with the theme "Captured in a Picture" and take one picture everyday and then blog my random thoughts under it.

Let me know what you think!

Running after You

Have you ever taken song lines and tried to make a poem with them? Well, my friend Erin used to do it all the time, so I heard this one song and really liked the words, so I tried to find words from songs that fit. Let me know what you think!


Finally I figured it out
But it took a long, long time
All my roads
Well they lead to you
I just can’t turn
And walk away

I’m so confused
There’ve been times
I thought I’d seen it all

You came into my life
I’ve waited all my life
To feel this way

Maybe you’re right, I can’t live without you
Maybe two is better than one
I don’t care what people will say
I’m running after you
I won’t turn back and go their way
I stand here in this place
All I want is you

Words can’t say
I can’t do enough
To prove
It’s all for you

You’ve already got me coming undone
Sometimes your ways I cannot understand
And nothing else will ever feel this way.


Lines adopted from following songs:
“Two is Better Than One” Boys Like Girls
“Running After You” Plantshakers
“All I Want is You” Plantshakers
“All for you” Madhatters

Testify

So I finished my "story" today. At CRU, we can give our testimony, but the saying they have is, "Everyone has a story". I decided God didn't want me to give the typical testimony type of story, instead, this is what he called me to speak (I am doing it Tuesday). It's longer than I thought it was going to be, but I can't think of anything to take out, nor do I really want to. So here it is:

When God originally told me to come up here and talk, I wanted to, don’t get me wrong, but I was really scared. I’m still scared. My story is one that I try not to tell too much anymore. As humans, it is in our nature to judge each other. We don’t mean too, and we don’t want too, but it happens. And my story has been turned against me, it has hurt me, and sometimes, it has been misunderstood. And so, there lay my dilemma. Do I explain my story in full detail, or do I give a light-hearted, easier version to take in?

After about six or seven versions, this is the one I’ve decided to tell. You can take it however you want, and as I stand before you today, I’ve asked God to be with me and I know that He will use it for His will. It is not about me, and never should be.

At first glance, my life might seem pretty normal. I haven’t harbored a secret drug addiction or become an alcoholic. I’m saving myself for marriage and haven’t broken that promise. And usually, those three things are what people usually talk about when they give their testionminay. It’s powerful. It moves people. What can I tell people?

But even as I asked myself these questions, I knew the answer. I knew what I’ve been hiding, harboring all these years. And I knew that talking about my struggles might help someone else.

I first want to start with a poem. I wrote this poem for Creative Writing class two years ago. My teacher told us to be honest with ourselves, to write about something we’ve struggled with. My poem was called Cleansing of Hatred.

Holding the bar of soap
Memories float around me
Filling me with anger,
Tears and pain.
As I feel the cold, waxy surface,
Vivid images flash past,
I remember your angry face
As you screeched
Those heartless words,
“You stupid daughter,
Who can’t do anything right!”
As tears streaked down my face,
I wondered if you loved me,
If you ever loved me
Loved me just for who I was,
You threw it at me,
Your face blotched with fury.
Did you ever care?
I stuck it in my mouth,
Hating you every minute.
I wondered why you chose
That bumpy, scratch square.
If felt like poison in my mouth.
Did you ever care?

I wrote this poem about my mom. My mom struggles with something called Thyroid Disease. I’m not really sure all that it entails, but I know what can happen because of it. Because of this disease, my mom has symptoms of Bi-polar disease. My home life growing up was pretty tough. I never knew when I came home how my mom would be. Anything could put her over the edge. I freaked myself out growing up-always trying to be perfect so I wouldn’t get yelled at.

It didn’t work. I failed, of course, to please my mom. I couldn’t be perfect, no one can except Jesus can be. And, everytime I failed, my mom would call me horrible names, and tell what a terrible person I was. She reacted in a way I now know she didn’t want to-it was part of her disease. Usually, at the end of the night, she’d come in and tell me she was sorry and that she loved me. But it didn’t help the hurt and it didn’t help the pain. And she didn’t always apologize. And since it happened so often, almost everyday, I became hardened.

I filled the pages of my diaries with things such as “I hate my mom” and “Why does my mom hate me so much?” If something happened to my mom earlier in the day, she would usually take it out on us. My self-esteem was slowly, but surely, floating away. I compared myself to everyone else. I longed for a different life, and filled my days with reading. The people in the books seemed to have perfect lives-I longed for my own fairy tale.

School was hard for me too. When I was born, I had really bad allergies. My allergies were so bad that I couldn’t hear anything, and when I was nine months old, they finally discovered this and I had tubes put in my ears. I had three or four ear operations as a baby, and I was finally back to normal by the time I was three, but I was behind on my learning. In first grade, I was still behind in my reading skills and I had to go to special classes for speaking. I was placed in a special government study which taught me to read in a weird way. When the study failed, they tried to catch me up, but I was so behind that I was forever punished in school for not knowing how to spell. I probably would have gotten more A’s if we didn’t have evil spelling tests in all my classes. I will never be good at spelling, although I have defiantly improved.

Even though my parents never yelled at me for grades, I always thought my mom was going to punish me if I did bad, and I pushed myself on my own. I would always get upset when I got a low A, even if it was an A.

I’m giving you all this background to understand that because of my mom’s disease, I had low self-esteem, was very hard on myself concerning grades, and was often scared to come home. I also harbored a deep, deep anger towards my mother.
This anger continued when my friends would come over and mention how scary my mom was. They all knew how it affected me, but they still made comments and often didn’t want to come over because she scared them.

At first, it didn’t appear that these comments hurt me. I pushed the anger deep within in me. I hide it behind a smile and a happy-go-lucky attitude. However, it continued to grow over the years, being fueled by the jokes at school about being short, the painful glares from the teachers when I couldn’t spell something, the pushing on the bus, and the terrible friends I hung around with.

All this time, my mom had been church hopping. Church hopping for my mom is going to a church for a while, then deciding that it just wasn’t “fitting” and picking a new one. Since we never stayed at a church long enough to establish real friends, I found other Christians to be stuck up, rude, and forever judging. It wasn’t until we found a more permant chuch, with an awesome youth group, that I started to see real Christians.

They all had struggles, like me, and they were willing to share them. It gave me hope. But it also showed me how terrible I was-that the anger I held was not good for me, and that maybe I wasn’t always behaving as the Christian I should be. I didn’t pray enough, I realized, and I was defiantly not reading my Bible enough.
Reading my Bible more, I knew that I shouldn’t be so hateful, angry, and upset. My mom had hurt me over the years, and still was, but I had to forgive her. It was what God wanted. So I forgave her. Or at least I thought I did.
My youth group gave me strong Christian friends, and I worked at Timber-lee where I was also surrounded by Christians. I went on mission trips, helped others and loved God. But, no matter what I tried to do, I still got upset at my mom. Especially when we argued about make-up, pierecing my ears, boys and how I couldn’t date, curfew, whether chores are more important than homework, and my constant track record of being a klutz. These are normal things a teenager argues with their parents about, especially curfew. But getting put down by your parent shouldn’t be.
College allowed me a chance to get away from my mother’s anger and to truly find myself. I found friends I could trust, and I found some who truly understood me down to my core. God blessed me with people He knew He could use to influence my life. I’m sure many of you know who you are. And because of my friends, my faith continued to grow. I have grown the most these past two years. And it was during this past year, that God showed me what I needed to change.
Bitterness can eat you alive if you let it. Bitterness, left alone, can travel within and make you an angry, bitter person. Hidden behind a smile and a good manner, it can only be released with the right push of a button. And unforgiveness just adds.

Not forgiving my mom made it hard for me to forgive others. Anyone who majorly hurt me, it was easier to stop talking to them than to face the fact, especially when they didn’t care that they had wronged me or that I was hurting. The unforgivness and bitterness become too much to handle, and I finally didn’t know what to do. After I disliked someone for a wrong they have done to me, I started to realize that was not the Christian way to live my life. God didn’t like that I wasn’t forgiving anyone, especially my mom. Although the anger towards my mother had subsided with time away from her, but I had still shoved it deep inside me, alloing it to soothe and create a deep self-pity. I didn’t want to forgive my mother, as it was much easier to hold a grudge than to forgive, to silently keep punishing her for her wrongs.

When God finally got ahold of me, it was after a stressful holiday season. I was broken, upset and deeply wounded. God told me to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to realize how wrong I had been. I realized I needed to forgive my mom, and once I did, I needed to stop dwelling on the past. I had to let it go and not think of it again. It was over, and done. I needed to give my mom the benefit of the doubt that the situation would get better.

As Isiah 65:16 says, “The past troubles will be forgotten and hidden from my eyes.” Let me tell you, God knows what He is doing. Once I forgave my mom, winter break became so much better. I spent a lot of time with my parents, and I finally started telling them I loved them. You might think this is really simple, but those three words got lost over the years. They stopped being uttered, and the impact they have now really means a lot. I said it my mom on the phone, and I think she started crying. Never lose the chance to tell someone you love them, and always, always remember to forgive. Because unforgiveness can tear you apart, but God will always help put you back together.

If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting
Where I've always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you
I'm where I've always been
Right by your side


Thank you.

Thoughts at 1 A.M.

Note published on my facebook.

So.

It's currently 1:07 am.

For the early birds (and I know who you are), I'm sure you are shaking your head and sighing.

Sorry, but I don't live by the "normal" rules.

2 am sounds like a great bedtime for me. Besides, I don't have class until 11am.

Trust me, my parents know my schedule: stay up late (but not too late) and sleep in as late as possible without wasting the whole day.

Okay, seriously. Stop shaking your head.

Anyway, I should be studying for a test I have tomorrow. But I don't have the test until night class. (my first night class in all 4 years...it's wierd. I don't hate it...but I don't like it....)

So my procastation has definatly sunk in. How do you stop procastating when you rock at it? That's what I'd like to know.

I have been "studying" for a while now.

My studying works like this:
Open textbook.
Sigh over the fact I've only "skimmed" it. (who really reads textbooks?)
Type answers into word document. (helps me studying...I remember slightly typing the word) Realize that I have no idea what my teacher is talking about the study guide and erase what I just wrote.
Go on some website (or facebook) as a "break" because I'm annoyed at having written the wrong thing.
Repeat.
Ha ha. Okay, so it's not that bad. But it's pretty close.

Anyway, I should go back to studying.

But I noticed I hadn't written a "real" note in a long time....I'm not really sure if people read these anyway unless they are tagged in them...and then, it's usually those addicted to facebook.

Opps. Did I point you out?

If you feel hurt by the previous comment, don't worry. I'm slightly addicted too. I say slightly because I currently have 56 messages (unread) in my inbox.

Oh yeah. You read that correctly.

Most of them are from groups....groups I've been invited to, but I've never gotten around to rejecting. Like "Join this group if you hate eggs". Um...okay?

Anyway, I never click on them because I'm wierd and lazy.

Oh, and I usually check my facebook on my ipod touch and it's too much work to click on the dumb ones. One of these days I'll get around to it. I say "One of these days" a lot.

It's bad. Real bad.

Wow, I just lost my train of thought.

Hmm...where was I? Oh yeah, so I don't go on a lot. I try to comment back right away, but sometimes I look at a comment, get sidetracked (ooo, something shiny!) and completly forget. OOOO and let's talk about facebook pictures.

This is where I fail.

I take MILLIONS (and I'm being completly serious here) of pictures, but uploading them to facebook takes:

1.) A lot of time (for some reason, facebook HATES me and won't upload them fastly or smoothly. What a pain)

2.) Effort.

3.) Reminders. (ha ha, remind me you want them up...or just be annoying...and they will show up a lot faster)

Anyway, I'm sorry about that. I try not to be addicted to facebook. It's kind of bad, right? To be addicted to it?

Well, anyway, that's my ramble...I'm not really sure what I've all taked about now.

It's now 1:21 and I've wasted too much time writing on here.

So I think I"m going to...oh wait. I remember something else.

I found a poem I wrote a long time ago...some people have seen it before. It might be a post on here already...who knows. But I'm going to add it on here:

I'm not stupid; I just lack common sense
I'm not a poser; I'm just crazy
I'm not miss popularity; I just have a lot of friends
I'm not insecure; I just don't trust people I'm just me.

And under it was written:

When we push away the things that once made us happy,
to find new things that make us extremly happy,
do you call it change or growing up?
Have I grown up or just become a different person?
How do I even find out?

This past weekend, and past week, I was reminded of just how fragile both time and life is. As I was confronted with the deaths of friends, and the fact that my own family may be in for it's own scare, I realized that we need to embrace time as much as we can.

Revelation 21:4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Do we live our life as if tomorrow will be the end? Are you ready if tomorrow is the end?

I know that if I was to stand in front of the gates of heaven, I know that I would be saved because Jesus came for me. He washed my sins away because He loves me. Only because He loves me. I did NOTHING to deserve his love. He has always, and always will, love me. And He won't leave me either.

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Humans can. Not always on purpose, but there is always going to be disappoint in our lives.

We are either in the middle of a trial, just got out of one or are getting ready to go through one.

I think I just got out of one, and I'm getting ready for the next one.

I graduate this May.

Talk about crazy.

I often wonder if I've done everything I can to impact the campus of UW-Whitewater.

Have I been too busy to help those I needed to? Did I hurry past someone who needed me?

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I can not regret my life or what I have done.

As I once wrote two years ago:

I don’t regret
the friends I have made.
The choices they made helped me see
Who I wanted to become
And who I didn’t want to be.

I don’t regret
proclaiming my beliefs
the people who didn’t like it
may one day see the truth
and the people who did
stayed my friends.

I don’t regret
the choices I have made.
The right choices brought
results I have loved
And the wrong choices
Made me tougher.

I don’t regret
living in the present
Choosing to live
the days as they set
Instead of in the past
Will only make me
a happier person.

I don’t regret
Being friends when
I knew the friendship
couldn’t last.
Their friendship was
great while it lasted
And I am sure
They are happy
where they are.

I don’t regret
the anger I
once held
It helped me
mend the wounds
I had earned
over the years.

I don’t regret
the clubsI didn’t join
the sports I couldn’t join,
the life I never lived.
I may have been sheltered,
But it helped me be me.

I don’t regret
this life I live
I love who I am
And what I do
And the people I touch.

I have to be confident that I've made my impact on Whitewater in whatever way I can, and that the next step I take will be the one God wants me to take.

I'm not sure where I am going, although I hope it has something to do with Americore. I know that God has his hand on my life, and even though I may not always be confident in God, I know I should be.

Psalm 46 "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."

Although this weekend has been a range of emotion, I know that I am ready for whatever may come, and I will continue to pray for my family, friends, and the world. This year, 2010, is going to be a year of change!

John 14:1-3 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

Okay, time to finish studying and go back to bed.

It's currently 1:36am.

But I definatly needed this, so who cares what time it is.

Never-ending Cycle of Homework and Tests

Homework. Yuck, how I dread those words. It's not really the homework (sometimes doing projects and stuff is fun) but knowing what your teacher wants. Each teacher is different (and some are just insane...wait, did I say that outloud?) and knowing how they grade is key to getting a good grade. But in college, professors often don't have many assignments. They rely on tests instead. I personally hate tests. If you could see me right now, I'm making a disgrusted face. That's because I usually don't do my best on tests. If you asked me any of the test questions in person, I'd most likely ace them. (I say most likely because I'm not a genius and I'll probably get something wrong). But write them down, shove me in a desk, give me a clock to stare at, a warm room to sweat in, and expect me to ace a test? Hmm...I don't think so. More like you've just given me the best reason to FAIL.
Why do teachers even give out tests anyway? Let's see what you've learned in the past 24 hours when you were shoving the knowledge into your head. Do you remember what you learned four years ago about...say, Ethnic politics? I loved that class. The teacher was amazing. But I honestly only remember tiny, tiny bits and pieces. So why did I spend a semester learning about it, if only to forget by the next semester? Because I needed the grade! (and the credit). How sad that we force our society to learn millions and millions of things in school, but test them in such a way they will only forget it in less than 3 months? Sad.
I propose we do more hands-on. It helps most people learn. So does visually learning as well. Not very many people learn by hearing someone speak, and what do most professors do? LECTURE. Well, why not just give everyone an F before they come into the room!
Oh well. I highly doubt this is going to change. Sorry for my little rant. I'm just so annoyed with the way our system of schooling works. If I could change the world, I think I'd start in the school systems. A lot of revamping is needed there. (Don't worry, I'm not forgetting world hunger, world peace, etc. I'm expecting other people to be working on those things. You know, when people ask the question, "If you could change the world, what would you do?" most people will answer that, so if everyone was able to change the world, then the other stuff would already be taken, so I could change the school systems)

People say that you should write what you know. I used to write books with characters that resembled my friends. They could tell-and some weren't very happy with it. Others would make comments-

"Do you really think I act like that?" (I'm afraid so...I didn't even add anything to be funny, that is how you are)

"Why can't I be described as someone with a perfect body?" (um, because you don't have one? The only person who has that is Barbie and sorry, but she's not real)

"How come she gets a boyfriend?" (um, cause she really has a boyfriend in real life and you've never had one, so I don't even know how you'd act with one...).

That's when I decided that maybe I should make the characters so far from real life that they couldn't be passed off as my friends. But I had been writing my friends as characters for so long, that they still ended up being in the stories, they just had extra qualities, different types of humor, or different colored hair. But in essense, it was still basically them.

You know what I think? We can try to change who we are-we can color our hair, pick up new hobbies, tell jokes we don't think our funny-but the still us will always be there. Just because you try to change who you are to impress someone doesn't mean you've "lost" who you are-it just means you've hidden it while you tried on a different "you". But you should know that the original you is great and you should keep it in your life. Why trade in who you were created to be? Why change who God wants you to be?

And you want to know what else is funny? I was going to change my blog style-try to write in a different way, but why should I do that? Just because no one comments on my blogs does not mean that it isn't helping someone in someway. It's helping me just to write out my thoughts, although I also have journals for that. But when I do decide to write, it's always inspiring to me and helpful. So that's why I'm not changing my style.

Fresh Start

So I haven't been on this blog in a long time. Oh well.

It's really late at night, and I should probably be in bed. The key word "should". Since when do I do what I should? I like people I shouldn't, I obssess about the stupidest things, and I continue to hold onto my "morals" when even I start to question them. Oh, don't get me wrong. I will never compromise what is most important to me. But sometimes I question if I'm too picky when it comes to guys. Do I have to have a guy who has the same belief as me, or can it differ just a little bit? But now I know that I will not compromise who I am or what I believe just because sometimes it can get lonely. I want to marry a strong Christian man, and that's final.

And that's why I'm finally happy single. I have plans for next year, and a guy will just get in the way. Besides, most of the guys around here are only looking for a good time, and it's time I started planning for the future. Being happy with who you are is so important. If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? Once you are happy with who you are, and realize you don't need a man to be happy, you will finally find true love. Because it comes why you aren't looking. I know that from experience.

Sure, this post may seem "lame" to some. But I'm not trying to please anyone-not even myself. It's late at night, and I'm just getting some thoughts out before I go to bed. If you think this is dumb, you didn't have to read it. You choose to. Remember, you make the choices in your life. No one can make them for you. And if they are, realize that something is wrong, and get out. It might be the first right choice you'll make.